The Unnatural Equating of a Matric Dance Date to Spouse

Above: Matric Dance Night(mare). 

The lights. The glamour. Your teachers in a row to greet you, with standards higher than the marks you score with them. Hair perfect, lustrous and stylish; nails immaculately preened, an alluring figure, an outfit to kill…and on your arm… A HIDEOUS TROLL OF A PARTNER.

Above scene : not too cool.  

Most (normal) students equate their matric dance night to be the culmination of twelve years grinding (in whichever way you interpret that) under the regime of a principal and an armada of teachers armed with chalk … or whiteboard markers if you consider yourself ‘too cool for a government school’. The dance is supposed to be the best night of your life. Your life. Singular. Yet a date is made compulsory, preferably a member of the opposite sex. That’s where the trouble comes in. If you took your boyfriend or girlfriend to your dance, bugger off – this article isn’t for you.

When it comes to matric dance partner selections, there is a set criteria of qualities that prospective dates must meet. In my mind, the following was a must:

 

Taller than me

Not to be fatter than a whale…generally a lean build would’ve been nice

Personality!!!!!

Taller than me in heels

Nice face

Taller than me

DTF. Not literally, but have a bit of that rawr quality .

Super duper tall

Was that an impossible-to-be-met-knight-in-shining-armour list? Not really. Yet a few months prior to the dance, most of us girls began to panic. A frenzied, animalistic kind of panic – like a woman from a period romance impregnated by their Barbados slave and seeking to marry the first white man she meets to save her virtue. And that’s where the trouble starts.

This is written from a female perspective, so bear with me.

First comes the dress – what style? Colour? How much weight do I lose to fit into a fishtail? Or should I use a buffon underneath? Such a fuss equivalent to that of young brides is created as varying designs accost parents’ pockets. Quite naturally, they’ll find the most affordable style favourable, at which point the precocious female’s taste swings to the precise opposite of the design spectrum. If dad hates it, I LOVE IT.

As for the groom, or matric dance partner, there's the question of matching. A tie? A cravat? What waistcoat ? Who will pay for the threads that link us as a couple as we walk down the aisle…errr enter the hall? Although there’s less stress in the male sheathing department, the significance of matching is still very much prominent : the significance of appearing as a couple. A unit. Husband/wife. Partner/date. Suspicious? Very much so.

Next come the corsage. Never take it for granted that your partner will get you one, especially if you’re in an all girls’ school such as myself. Such a floral arrangement can be equated to a wedding bouquet , although traditionally the bride will ensure she has one, not the groom. However, the floral symbolism is still significantly evident. This can be compensated for with a delicious box of Lindt, which I received from my tasteful partner. Seriously, though, to me : eating pleasure > looking at an arb bunch of flowers on my hand. 

Lastly, are the photographs. Today I showed the shots of me and my partner to my aunt and uncle. My uncle started asking questions about my date’s father, their family name, religion etc and ultimately concluded that he ‘liked’ that boy. What exactly he liked the boy for, I am still unaware of. Then, it hit me. My date was Gujrathi. My cousin, their son, married a Gujrathi girl. You get it.

What further ads to this hullaballoo are the dress makers, who snidely remark to our parents, “Oh the next time you’ll be making a fuss like this is at her wedding day.” Then it strikes us: our partners become something of a one-night husband. A groom for our vanity. A human-skinned clutch bag… The chaste may not necessarily agree with my next point, but generally you’d want to take someone along that you’re attracted to – should any ‘clutching’ occur. A hot boy :) 

If we review the list and discussion, we find a succinct parallel created between matric dance partners and potential husbands and wives. Matching morals and values usually correlate in terms of sustaining conversations and relating to each other as human beings / frisky teenagers. 

Thus, unless you can tolerate a meaningless arm-accessory, there needs to be an element of depth in the chosen one. They should be as special as NEO leading you into the MATRIX of your matric dance (haha, see what I did there?). Generally, in our hormone driven decisions, we just want to have fun with someone sexy. No pressure, right?

Oh, one last thing.

Make sure you’ve seen them dancing before. You've been warned. ;)