I am Fine, Indeed

This process of self-love is not mechanized. The cogs do not dance at the click of a button. Results don’t appear from the chanting of a special “I love myself” mantra. In the short term, indeed, it is comparatively easier to construct a self-image within the bounds of your brick-walled apartment, signing along to feel-good pop music and chatting to yourself in the mirror each morning.

However, I feel, the real test begins when we step outside our door.

And it isn’t necessarily our fault.

It is hard, I have found, to hold your own when you are faced with the personification of everything that you are not. When you meet women who effortlessly personify the stock-standard image of beauty (you know, the standard that has continuously been fed to you via an IV-drip for your whole life) do you use your fight or your flight instincts?

To some extent, I believe, women have been taught to see each other as competitors. This is further affirmed by feminist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, who describes this phenomenon as ‘women are taught to see each other as competitors, but not for jobs, but for the attention of men.’ Is this the problem? When we are confronted with what we perceive to be the perfect woman, do we self-deprecate over the fact that this woman might be a better mate than us?

Self-love can fly out the window very quickly, unless it has actually taken root within you.

See, what I have learnt, is that it is far too easy to love yourself in isolation. In a context away from society and their need to pick apart every fragment of a woman’s body and rip her self-esteem to shreds for entertainment, you can feel safe and confident.

What we must learn as women, is to love ourselves in the context of this dark and confusing world, where it may not necessarily be ‘the system’ that is our enemy, but the innate jealousy and unworthiness we may feel when faced with the inevitable reality of ‘there are girls out there much better than me – what right do I have to feel good about myself?’

And that is where you remember that you are more than this conditioning mind-set of comparatives. You are more than what the world thinks a woman ‘should’ look like. We will only truly be able to experience ourselves and to grow once we place ourselves in this larger context. It is trial and error, and the sooner we push ourselves into the world beyond our bedroom door, the sooner we can change that world.

There is nothing wrong with other women being perfect. There is nothing wrong with naturally typifying what you have been taught to be the ‘best’ qualities within a woman. The issue herein lies in that there is something wrong if you feel utterly inadequate when placed next to this kind of woman.

You are more than your inadequacies.
You are enough.

And the more you are meant to face up to these battles, and the more you come up short, one day you would have gone through the motions so many times that you’ll be able to look at yourself – not just in the mirror – but in the reflection of all that you ‘want ‘ to be, and say to yourself: I am fine, right now. I am fine, indeed.