My heart is ablaze. No, cliché, my heart is working at
maximum capacity, providing infinite
voltage into an electrical, nervous, giddy smile. There is a slight dusty smell
in the air and the dark red velvet curtains are shoddily drawn such that I
could peep at the front row audience. But, I don’t have time for them because I
am too busy being a bossy 7 year old and checking if everyone knows their
lines. Yes, those were the days. Those were happier days.
The funny thing is, I always knew those would be the
happiest days of my life. I hoped, but never thought, I would get to write,
direct and act in shows all at once ever again – so I wrung the happiness out
of each skit inch by inch until the joy was tucked away safely in the corner of
my soul. It was true, however, that I wouldn’t grow much into the spotlight as
I would have, had I been more confident.
I think that confidence might have been given the jumpstart
it needed had I seen Mindy Kaling. She was amazing for me. A woman, my own
race, complexion, body shape (okay, she has bigger boobs than me, whatever)
actually succeeding in front of a Western camera would have shaken my little
box and made me realize I have the talent to be who I could have been; I would
have let myself dream things I never dared to entertain.
Instead, when I became involved in Drama at a High school
level, I graciously bowed out and dedicated myself to excelling at the
theoretical side. Oh, no, don’t get me wrong, I would average in the 90s on
both practical and theory. But although I was good at both, I was scared to
invest too much into the practical part because I knew I wouldn’t get far with
it. High school made me realize there were so many people better than me. Although
I could make people laugh, I couldn’t make them swoon with my beauty; nor could
I fit into a dress below size 10. It was crushing, on reflection, that I let
those little things get the better of me.
I think if I had more tangible evidence of women being
themselves and still being successful in entertainment that I would have felt a
whole lot more confident about the situation. I saw local females bleaching
their skin, taking pills to get fairer and everyone around me just being
thinner than me. I was chubby, yes, but it wasn’t because I ate a tub ‘o lard
on the regular, hardly, but rather it had more to do with repercussions of some
treatment I had undergone as a child. Niggling little things like that can
really leave an impression on your mind.
I guess I’m full of excuses, as well. I mean…rather an
excuse than a failed attempt? Actually, that’s probably the most pathetic
sentence I’ve ever written, hah!
But it’s okay. I know I was great. I was a top 10 finalist
for the Bruce Piper Award, an annual award by the Speech & Drama Society of
South Africa. I wish I would have had the faith in myself to not need a Mindy
Kaling to show me the way. But, now, I am so happy and grateful that she is
around. I’m so happy Indra Nooyi is the CEO of Pepsi. I’m so happy that
Delphine Govender started Perpetua. All around me I see these amazing women
growing into someone I would like to become – but I could never mirror them,
no. Rather, they remind me of needing to be the best person I can be… and
hopefully I can let some little kid out there realize she has the right to be
the writer, director and actor of her own life, too.
